Melancholy - Day 9
Yesterday, I met with my advisor. Going into the meeting, I was excited and optimistic. I had just finished the computation needed to prove that my result worked and written it up so that he could look at it and verify that I indeed am able to graduate in 35 days. Further, I had a draft of my thesis mostly completed. There were some things that were missing, like transitions and a couple of citations, but I knew about them and labeled them and had a plan to tackle them once I got the okay from my advisor about the math content.
Then I got to the meeting. He tore apart the first 12 pages of my dissertation and didn't look at the proof that I had spent 20 hours on clarifying and writing up because "in my limited experience with your work, when you say you have an outline it's six pages of scribbles." He ignored that I had typed the proof, written it up nicely, and was ready to present it to him in detail. He ignored that I sent him the PDF the night before and told him what page the proof started on. He ignored that I specifically asked him in an email to discuss the proof at the meeting so that I can go ahead and work on writing while he's out of town. He ignored it all.
I was furious. He ignored what I needed from that meeting, demeaned my work without even looking at it, and heavily implied that he doesn't think I have it together enough to graduate.
I was discouraged. He tore apart my background section and continually made it seem like I didn't know how to write clear mathematics.
At least I didn't cry this time.
On some level, his assessment of my work is correct. The work I presented in the background section was a draft. It didn't have transitions, context, or pictures, and in many places it was confusing. That being said, I hadn't put a ton of thought into these things because I was more focused on the content, the math, the actual thing I need to prove to graduate. The stuff he didn't look at because, historically, I'm bad at outlining/presenting my thoughts in a cohesive manner. It didn't matter that it was an eight page, generally decently written proof outline. The things that were missing were things I had already discussed with Ben, so I didn't prioritize them because I wasn't concerned about their correctness.
The worst part of this is when I tried to stand up for myself, saying that I did have a proof written and typed up in the thesis draft, he gave me this look and I just crumbled and said "sorry" in a meek, submissive sort of voice.
I hate how this PhD journey makes me feel sometimes. I hate how defeated, belittled, and ashamed I feel after meeting with my advisor. I hate how exhausted I feel, how I'm not able to really enjoy any other part of my life because I always think "I should be writing."
The question then becomes "What do I do with these feelings?" Do I sit in them, feeling miserable? Do I stare at a wall, doing nothing because that's how important I feel? Or do I push on in spite of these feelings, in spite of my advisor's opinions and do the work so that I can graduate?
After the meeting yesterday, my husband and I went for a hike and ate some delicious food. I needed that, to get my mind off these feelings of hate and rage and depression. I consulted scripture, where Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount that expressing hatred and anger towards others puts you in as much danger of judgement as murder, and prayed to the Lord to take these feelings and make them motivation, love, and acceptance.
I am still upset, but even as I write this post, the Spirit is taking the negative emotions and putting them through the cleansing power of His grace.
Today, I'm ready to work.
Goals
Today, I will...
- Fill in more of the outline for the inductive proof.
- Fix the proof in chapter 2.
Reflection
11:37 - Why yes, I did just spend 2 hours perfecting the phrasing of the proof my advisor trashed yesterday. Was it necessary to do so at this moment? Probably not. But it works now and is exceptionally clear, so I'm happy with it.
12:30 - Why yes, I did spend the last hour calendar blocking. Because that's what I felt up to doing.
12:30 - Why yes, I did spend the last hour calendar blocking. Because that's what I felt up to doing.
Hi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear how hard that meeting with your advisor was. You are such an inspiration for how hard you are working to react positively and move forward with your work so quickly after. Do you feel like he communicates his expectations clearly?
I also really appreciate the spiritual response you include in your blog. Good luck moving forward over the coming weeks!
Hi Rob,
DeleteI'm glad you found my existential crisis encouraging, and thanks for the corresponding encouragement!
To answer your question: depending on the day, my advisor can express his expectations very clearly. The problem comes when, three days later, he forgets what expectations he expressed. :P It's been a process of getting to know how to work together, since math is such a solitary research subject and I'm my advisor's first grad student. Most of the time, we're on the same page now. There are just days (like Thursday) where it's frustrating to work with a human rather than a Perfect Advisor Robot.